notes from outside

- Kassandra A., 14th May, 2002

It’s flooding today; hasn’t stopped pouring since yesterday. The gray skies and numbness of it all only echo my feelings. I just want to curl up with some sweet guy and fall asleep to the rhythm of his heartbeat mingled with my own…set against the gentle fury of the thunder and rain. Going for happy hour at Cedar Street tonight prior to my trains departure. Met an attractive somewhat lonely man there on the 31st. Had he not been with someone, he gave every indication that perhaps neither of us would have spent that night alone. I just seem to meet guys here, where I never really do back home. Have to finish packing. Get ready to leave in the rain. Late last night, after 1a, I walked all the way from Dave and Kristi’s to campus, then across to the tower and Guadalupe- in the pouring rain, clad only in denim shorts, sandals, and a sweater, braless. Prior to setting out, I stood on the deck peering in at a freshman studying. Bare chested in denin cutoffs, he was so  beautiful, even tender in appearance. How I wish I’d spoken with him, with another wandering soul on campus. However, that was not to be. Got home at 3a. On the walk back didn’t bother with the umbrella. The rain soaking through my clothes and chilling my body seemed a comfort. I used to walk, hand in hand, with Michael in the rain, centuries ago when we were in love. Now I walk alone and with each rivulet of water that courses down my face I pray for release from old ghosts and the return of love in the form of a man in my life. I remember candles and incense floating in a darkened room. Being enveloped in his strong warm arms, seemingly swallowed whole by him; my body’s memory of his recent presence inside me and the gift planted within. My silent prayers that it should take hold, abandoning my body not, the feeling of oneness…the sound of the downpour outside speaking of my feelings and our spent passion. I feel an accute awareness of my loneliness…I am returning to a place that is too stagnant to be home…and the rain…it soothes the tears that won’t come after so much time. It’s as though i’ve lost a limb, and it’s memory lingers on in my soul, haunting and tormenting me. Sarah McLachlan is singing as I glance into the whiteout and realize, Dear Hera, it’s raining…

- Kassandra A., Lonely in Austin, TX, 3rd November 2000